Kids Social Skills

Helping Children Play and Learn Together

Lately there were several academic publications about social skills.This is great. I am a strong supporter of bridging the gap between research and application in natural settings. This article is a good example of that. 

I hope you enjoy it.

 

 

 

 

This was an interview I gave for a very informative and helpful website for parents Preschools 4 All. You will find lots of preschool activities, games and tips.  Preschools 4 All

 

What are the social skills lessons children should acquire by the time they enter grade one?

Research show that although academic skills are important, social and behavioral skills are often seen as crucial determinants of children’s success in school. The quality of children’s relationships with both peers and adults are important predictors of their success in school.

Social skills are the personal skills needed for successful social communication and interaction. In day- to- day activities these represent the degrees to which children are able to establish and maintain friendships, work and play with others, and terminate negative relationships. As children develop and mature they become more experienced and demonstrate higher level of these skills.

How can these social skills lessons help them in the classroom? 

By first grade children are expected to play and work collaboratively with their peers. To do so children need to demonstrate pro-social behaviors, positive attitude, understand the perspective of others, negotiate, and make compromises.

By first grade, children are also expected to be independent in their work and in play. I found that it is very common for teachers to set rules such as “if you have a problem ask two friends for help before you approach me”. During recess the ratio of adults to children significantly decreases. Implicitly this means that children are expected to identify when they have a problem and actively seek help. By first grade children can identify problems, generate potential solutions (e.g., asking for help, explaining their ideas, taking turns, etc.) and implement them with some supports.

In first grade children frequently work in groups. Therefore skills such as: taking other’s perspective, compromising, negotiating, are important skills to have. During recess children play with minimal adult supervision. Being a good problem solver increases the likelihood of getting along with peers while achieving your goals.

Can you please suggest some activities parents can play with their children in order to help them with their social skills lessons?

I believe that it is more important to focus on "how to play" rather than "what to play". Spend time playing with your child.  Follow your child’s lead. Make sure that both of you are having fun. Within a game I recommend presenting gradual challenges, where your child needs to solve social problems.  For example, offer a new idea for the game and insist on it. Occasionally break a rule, let your child handle it. If he or she does not handle the situation (bursts into tears, shouts and walks away,…), explain how you feel and offer alternative strategies (“why don’t you … “),.

Talking with your children is as important as playing with them. Tell them about your day, ask them about theirs. Tell them about problems you had and how you solved them (you may need to present it in a simple way, and help them to see how it may relate to their friendships). Remember to show interest and empathy as well as offer ideas for them to do next time.
 

From your experience, living and working in different countries, do social skills lessons and they way they are taught vary from one society to another?

Moving from Israel to the US taught me a lot about cultural differences. It is more about expectations and social norms rather than the way you teach it. For example the meaning of “sharing” is different between the two cultures. In Israel it is usually means playing together with a toy (cooperative play). While in the US it is more about taking turns (parallel play). Each culture has its norms. Differences in personal space, manners, tolerance to child’s rough-and-tumble play were notable. 

In your opinion, what are some of the warning signs for children who have a delay in their social skills development?

• Preference playing with much younger peers or adults, rather than with their own age group.
• Playing alone most of the time, despite presence of other children.
• Anger and increased frustration during social interactions.

From where and from who do children learn social behavior? Who are the most influential figures in their development?

From a developmental point of view, children spend most of the time with their caregivers (i.e., parents, nannies) and siblings. These are the most influential figures at early stages of life. Children learn communication and socialization first within their core family unit. As children grow, they become exposed to other influences such as peers (school, neighborhood), teachers, and TV characters. It is important to remember that Children learn social skills through experience as well as from observing others.

Are there any more social games you recommend?

As I explained before, I believe that the actual games themselves are not the most important in developing social skills. There are other things you could do to nurture friendships and support developing social skills. I recommend helping children schedule regular play-dates with class mates and neighbors. Play-dates promote the forming of close and meaningful friendships. They also allow parents the opportunity to observe how their children play, and provide support and guidance in case of need.

Another technique that I find useful is to role play different social situations your child tells you about. Having the child change roles could increase his ability to take perspective, and develop flexible ideas. 

 

Finding out that your child steals may be devastating. As parents, we immediately ask ourselves why did he/she do it? Where does it come from? what should I do?

Lets start with some facts:

• Theft during the ages of 10-15 is estimated between 4% to 10% for normal children (based primarily on parental reports). This means YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Taking things that don’t belong to him/her is more frequent than you think. People just don't like to talk about it.

• There may be different reasons why your teenager steals:
  • Some children steal because they don't expect consequences ("nothing can happen to me"), others are sure they will not be caught, or they have difficulty to delay gratification (“I want it now so I’m going to have it now”).
  • Sometime, the stealing is a call for help. A socially unacceptable behaviors, that signals us, the caregivers, that this child is being challenged, and he does not know how to problem solve. The challenges may be related to parent-child difficulties, school failure, negative peer influence or any other stressor.

In either case, demonstrating parental involvement is crucial. Research show us that recurrent stealing in adolescent tends to remain stable through adulthood.

What can be done?

I really liked the approach in www.troubledteensolutions.com to this subject.

The response they offer combines meeting the emotional needs of a child and setting consistent and clear limits. I believe that such an approach not only empowers the parents but also sends a reassuring message to children that they do not need to handle difficult situations alone.

Step 1:

Set clear consequences for stealing. Make sure your child knows ahead of time what will happen if there is a next time. It is important to be consistent and follow through on any discipline you set.

Step 2:

Listen to your child. Listen careful: why do you think he/she did it? is it about him/her wanting the object (difficulty to delay gratification-  see 3A) or is it a call for help (the is another stressor - see 3B) ?

Step 3:

Develop a plan and discuss it with your child. Be consistent. Compliment them for being able to remember your agreement. problem solve if the plan is not working well enough.

3a:

Help your child to develop a better strategy for next time.

Does he/she needs to practice feeling frustrated?

Does he/she needs learn to be more assertive against peer pressure?

3b:

Are there things you, as the parent, can do for your child to reduce the amount of stress in his/her life?

Does he/she needs more help in school?

Does he/she needs to feel more successful (and appreciated) in other areas in their life?

Can you spend more time with your child, be available to meet their needs?

There will be no one-day solutions. Most likely an intervention will require time, involvement, monitoring and on-going problem solving with your child. 

The bad news:

You will have to work hard with your child. 

The good news:

You will improve the communication in your family, you will model problem solving skills to your child, with everybody growing from this experience.

Some more links:

• NY Times

I hope you found it useful... and please share your thoughts and experiences

Bullying is a growing phenomenon in schools. Recently I have found myself helping more and more children who have been victims of bulling in school, to develop social skills and assertive responses.

Here are some resources I found useful:

• Bullies Are a Pain in the Brain / Trevor Romain
  

I like this book because it has a good sense of humor, and it helps to develop a new perspective. It encourages the "victim" to see the faults of the bully, as well as giving some ideas of strategies to use when you meet your bully. I would use this book for older children (around the age of 8-10y).

 

Links:

PBS kids