Kids Social Skills - Dr. Arie's Blog - Stealing....don't panic

Sunday

Aug302009

Stealing....don't panic

Sunday, August 30, 2009 at 11:45PM

Finding out that your child steals may be devastating. As parents, we immediately ask ourselves why did he/she do it? Where does it come from? what should I do?

Lets start with some facts:

Theft during the ages of 10-15 is estimated between 4% to 10% for normal children (based primarily on parental reports). This means YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Taking things that don’t belong to him/her is more frequent than you think. People just don't like to talk about it.

There may be different reasons why your teenager steals:
- Some children steal because they don't expect consequences ("nothing can happen to me"), others are sure they will not be caught, or they have difficulty to delay gratification (“I want it now so I’m going to have it now”).
- Sometime, the stealing is a call for help. A socially unacceptable behaviors, that signals us, the caregivers, that this child is being challenged, and he does not know how to problem solve. The challenges may be related to parent-child difficulties, school failure, negative peer influence or any other stressor.

In either case, demonstrating parental involvement is crucial. Research show us that recurrent stealing in adolescent tends to remain stable through adulthood.

What can be done?

I really liked the approach in www.troubledteensolutions.com to this subject.

The response they offer combines meeting the emotional needs of a child and setting consistent and clear limits. I believe that such an approach not only empowers the parents but also sends a reassuring message to children that they do not need to handle difficult situations alone.

Step 1:

Set clear consequences for stealing. Make sure your child knows ahead of time what will happen if there is a next time. It is important to be consistent and follow through on any discipline you set.

Step 2:

Listen to your child. Listen careful: why do you think he/she did it? is it about him/her wanting the object (difficulty to delay gratification- see 3A) or is it a call for help (the is another stressor - see 3B) ?

Step 3:

Develop a plan and discuss it with your child. Be consistent. Compliment them for being able to remember your agreement. problem solve if the plan is not working well enough.

3a:

Help your child to develop a better strategy for next time.

Does he/she needs to practice feeling frustrated?

Does he/she needs learn to be more assertive against peer pressure?

3b:

Are there things you, as the parent, can do for your child to reduce the amount of stress in his/her life?

Does he/she needs more help in school?

Does he/she needs to feel more successful (and appreciated) in other areas in their life?

Can you spend more time with your child, be available to meet their needs?

There will be no one-day solutions. Most likely an intervention will require time, involvement, monitoring and on-going problem solving with your child.

The bad news:

You will have to work hard with your child.

The good news:

You will improve the communication in your family, you will model problem solving skills to your child, with everybody growing from this experience.

Some more links:

NY Times

I hope you found it useful... and please share your thoughts and experiences

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